Patience 2005

When I Go Out Of Door - Alternative Libretto

Bunthorne

When I go out of door
Of damozels a score
(All sighing and burning,
And clinging and yearning)
Will follow me as before
I shall, with cultured taste
Distinguish gems from paste
And "High diddle diddle"
Will rank as an idyll
If I pronounce it chaste!

Both

A most intense young man
A soulful-eyed young man
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical
Out-of-the-way young man!

Grosvenor

Conceive me, if you can
An ev'ryday young man
A commonplace type
With a stick and a pipe
And a half-bred black-and-tan
Who likes his mobile phone
And Crazy Frog ring-tone
Who's fond of his dinner
And doesn't get thinner
When forced to dine alone

Both

A commonplace young man
A matter-of-fact young man
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday
Every-day young man

Bunthorne

A Sporting Type young man
A Yellow and Blue Young Man
Last season was blighted
For Torquay United
But I remain a fan

Grosvenor

A Chancery lane young man
A Somerset House young man
A very delectable, highly respectable
Hop on a bus young man!

Bunthorne

A neighbourhood watch young man
A respect for the law young man
I’m always a goody
And never a hoody
A never tag me young man

Grosvenor

A Dartington young man
A sandals and pot young man
A brown rice and homity
Organic yoghurty
Very fair trade young man!

Both

Conceive me, if you can
A crotchety, cracked young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical
Out-of-the way young man!

Grosvenor

I'm a Littlewoods Stores young man
A Matalan young man
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday
Everyday young man

Maidens

We’re a Marks and Sparks big fan
(Or Hooper’s when we can)
If the price is too drastic
We stick it on plastic
And charge it to our man!

When I Go Out Of Door - Original Libretto

Bunthorne

When I go out of door,
Of damozels a score
(All sighing and burning,
And clinging and yearning)
Will follow me as before.
I shall, with cultured taste,
Distinguish gems from paste,
And "High diddle diddle"
Will rank as an idyll,
If I pronounce it chaste!

Both

A most intense young man,
A soulful-eyed young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical,
Out-of-the-way young man!

Grosvenor

Conceive me, if you can,
An ev'ryday young man:
A commonplace type,
With a stick and a pipe,
And a half-bred black-and-tan;
Who thinks suburban "hops"
More fun than "Monday Pops,"-
Who's fond of his dinner,
And doesn't get thinner
On bottled beer and chops.

Both

A commonplace young man,
A matter-of-fact young man-
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday,
Every-day young man!

Bunthorne

A Japanese young man-
A blue-and-white young man-
Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piminy,
Je-ne-sais-quoi young man!

Grosvenor

A Chancery lane young man-
A Somerset House young man,-
A very delectable, highly respectable
Three-penny-bus young man!

Bunthorne

A pallid and thin young man-
A haggard and lank young man,
A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery,
Foot-in-the-grave young man!

Grosvenor

A Sewell and Cross young man,
A Howell & James young man,
A pushing young particle - "What's the next
article?"-
Waterloo House young man!

Both

Conceive me, if you can,
A crotchety, cracked young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical,
arithmetical,
Out-of-the way young man!
Conceive me, if you can,
A crotchety, cracked young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical,
arithmetical,
Out-of-the way young man!